I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
