The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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