he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
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