I smell stomach acid.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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