I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
