if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i was born a porn star she said
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
