Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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