I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize