dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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