Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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