wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
