i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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