i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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