we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
