I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
