Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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