Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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