If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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