So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Dicks are not precious.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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