im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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