We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
