you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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