that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
