Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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