I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
