When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
