True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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