Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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