I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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