I look better un-naked...
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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