shes about as inviting as chlamydia
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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