Apparently you make a good broom.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
