I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
