So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
