i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
where am i from again
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
