if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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