he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
