Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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