Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
