I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
