he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
