he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
