DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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