I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
