I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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