I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
