Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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