It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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