Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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