You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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