You're so nebulous sometimes
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
