it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
