Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
