If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
