Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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