you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
