took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
