Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
